It's been awhile since I took off from all the problems, events, gatherings & tribulation & cultivated myself to be physically, emotionally, spiritually & academically better. It was like losing my entity by annihilating myself in the process. Before I snapped out, I ended up here in front of the computer, talking about the last few months I've spent with the few friends that I have left.
So I've suffered enough by being the laughing stock of the whole school while patching up all the broken holes I've created by my mishaps. There were some moments that I've felt alone; although they say they support me, I had a feeling it was just an easy way of telling me 'I'm not a part of this case, so count me out.'
It was totally okay for me since, after all, I really do not want the people I know to be involved in my mistakes, especially that I have to face the consequences alone. The thing that just hurts me the most was the fact that I was there when they need someone & when their world came crashing down. It feels like they're partying all night & enjoying their lives when I'm suffering here. & once I get to finally stand up, they'll drag me down below their level & I didn't complain one bit.
Eventually, I forgot all about it & figured to move on with my life cause it's the right thing to do & there's no any other way anymore. Some of them told me that everything will be okay, that sooner or later I could fly even amidst the opposing winds. That's actually better than having no time, even one minute, to ask me how I was doing.
I moved forward, just like any normal kid should do. If I have to correct all the wrong things I've done, then so be it. After that, everything was new again. It's like discovering a whole new world, & starting a life free from anything that harmed you in the past.
However, how much I was starting to enjoy the life in my new school now, didn't actually result to good news from my former college friends. As I was touched by the love of God, friendship turmoils became apparent in my old college life again.
I never needed to go back to these previous dark moments of my life, thus I wanted to be one of the students whom they would say all those money my family have spent for my education was all worth it in the end. I haven't asked for anything when I'm doing a good job, I'm more than happy to reward myself by inculcating & comparing the times I had when I was still focused on school & how much I needed to change back then.
But what these people are doing to me now was like taking me away from the newest responsibilities I have. They get angry when I don't show up & get angry when I don't communicate much. So what happens to that word again... support?
I said my departure wouldn't change anything, but how you tend to look on the negative side of life even though we all know that optimism is so much better, how you think of me as a bad person for not being there when you need someone, how you seem to be going to different parties & enjoy the night while I'm here, praying that these fever would go away, & how I was alone thinking about a way to make my burden a little less heavy.
Wow! Some support you have.
I'm sorry if I've been under the weather lately, It's just that some people doesn't seem to care enough to others, selfish is the word. God bless & have a nice day. Take care now!
Shaping in, shipping out, Allan :D
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