3:24AM Thoughts

I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks about this... actually, I don't even know what to think...


I'm just tired of everything from this moment. I keep wondering how I end up here- sitting in front of my computer, alone... after all the things I asked to myself. Why can't I be someone else? No... How did I become like this? I don't even know the person I am now, & the hardest part is, I am not pretending... or am I?


There's so much things revolving in my mind right now, but I feel so blank. I don't have any problems, but its as if I am carrying the whole world.


I should've become a better person... but I should be this person right now to be someone I want. At first, I blame destiny & the rest of the people for my fate... but kinda think of it, I guess your own desicions are the cause of what you are & have right now, destiny & those people just... just...


I can't cry, but I can't be happy either... I feel so fulfilled, yet empty... I feel I have won something, but I keep losing everything. Is this just a stage? Because it really gives me a fright, & I keep worrying I might kill myself.


I do need God, I do need love, I do need something that will fill my humanity, & I have them, I just can't feel it... I really can't.


I don't understand myself... & the rest of the world. & why do I even sob... I know I am contented... I think... am I searching for something more? I don't know... I honestly don't know.


What should I do now? Go to bed, wake up, prepare for the day, watch tv, talk to people, meet new people, eat, sleep, & wake up again? It's just keep going... I'm getting tired... very tired. What is my purpose? I know serving the Lord is one... but what is my PURPOSE?


I do need God, I do need love, I do need a purpose... I have God, I have love, I have a purpose... I do need God, I do need love, I do need a purpose... I have... nothing for now.


Tears are now forming in my eyes, but I can't cry... wait.


What is it with life anyway? Can I just dissapear for now?


I want to dissapear...


I just want to have something.