Prospectophobia

Sometimes I really try not to imagine myself as a singer, or a doctor, or dancer, or even a Youtube V-logger (Yup, that's right). I think it's because I tend to believe too much to be some sort of this person that I forget what the current Allan I was. In fact, even though I do imaginary careers like that, that's actually related to my biggest fear ever.

If you know me too well you would say my biggest fear would be frogs or lizards or even darkness (I'm kinda conquering that fear by the way), that's not even close to the fear that I already had since I was oriented from reality. I think there's no scientific name for it but it does exist- Future Phobia. It's actually Fear Of The Future Phobia but it's kind of redundant.

Some of you might think it's weird having this kind of phobia. However, I've read some notes about Future Phobia & its target was the teenage group, so I'm not really sure if some of the people I know has this kind of fear.

I pondered to myself when I read about its causes- one of it was failure. I don't know if that was my cause of having phobia, but when I think about it, everytime I fall in certain circumstances I've always been wishing to be someone else, then daydreams follow.

I think I have Prospectophobia

Another was when I joined the networking business & the fear of not having to earn beyond my investment really got me into thinking. Fortunately (or unfortunately), my future phobia was overcome by the future of having a lot of money, but I bet you all know what happened to that, right? I guess all the things that happened to me when I was doing the business really gave a big impact in my life, thus making my fear of the future even more scarier that I'd imagined.

But I know it wasn't just failure or the business, I think I was made that way. Having a lot of ambitions like being famous or rich while growing older & not being able to get those goals sometimes drive me mad. People say I'm still young & I shouldn't be thinking about the future, but when is the right time to start living your dreams?

I see teenage stars & I feel they've reached their goals. I even see Dakota Fanning still starring in movies even if she's not that little anymore. I see a lot of people who didn't even get one fourth of their dreams & end up being sad about it. I see newly graduates who can't even get a job, the worst part is that I even see people who didn't even have the chance to graduate & can't even get any undergraduate jobs. So can you blame me if I have this kind of phobia?

I remember sharing this fear once infront of everybody in my classroom. I know I became serious when our teacher asked us to draw a symbol that we fear the most. I also remember drawing two doors with large hinges that say Future & that the opening was so little nobody can't even enter through those doors. I even shared it with my classmates when my teacher said my name, but it seems everyone isn't that serious about the activity. I even thought no one was listening...

Call me an emotional freak or a sucker for Serotonin, but I even cried almost every night two years ago before I went to sleep. That's why I hate darkness- it's not about what lurks in the dark but it's all about what you reflect when the lights are off. One night I wished to be someone better, rich & famous- I was a little overboard by what I talked about that night to God. I really prayed that I will be changed after I wake up in the morning. Sadly, I still am the same me & that really got me depressed.

I know I lack courage & strength, even the slightest faith to make me believe in myself, but I just need to see some signs, facts & figures to push me in acquiring my dreams. It says that having an unpleasant past (Don't even think about that. It's not what you think it is) & a not so good present is the result of having future phobia, but I had a perfect childhood & a good-enough present (for all I know), so why do I have this disbelief for myself?

Where's this fear coming from anyway?

Shaping in, shipping out, Allan :(