Previously on Trigger...

I can't really show my deepest emotions towards anyone... seriously, & that's probably the thing that can never save me.

Christmas, although I really wanted it to be perfect, never become the foundation of happiness to my family. Instead of bringing us serenity & amusement, somehow it always shifts towards the bad part. There were days when people argue about almost everything, but I wasn't expecting it today. I wasn't expecting that when I wake up this evening, a wraith of some sort would ruin the atmosphere. I wasn't expecting that trifles that really are superfluous would change a euphoric evening into a thwarted mess. I wasn't expecting he'd called... but my Dad did.

I can't draw out the details to what had happened on that 10 minute-moment that suddenly changed the evening, but what truly happened was he called in my cell first which woke me up, it's not a registered number but I have felt the difference in it. There was an attempt to courageously answer it, but I imperceptibly ignored it under no circumstances. What was I supposed to say? That everything is fine here? That he shouldn't have called? A frenzy of questions entered my now guttural confused mind. It's as if ignorance was the way out of everything. So, afraid that I might hear my phone ring again, I dutifully pressed my phone into silent & headed back to sleep. It wasn't really that long before my brother woke me up again to inform me that someone wants to speak with me. I already had the intuition of the caller, but I pretended not to know. I wasn't planning to talk to him. I was afraid that after this call, there's this undercurrent that I might be able to hurt someone's feeling... it's either my dad's, which I might be able to enjoy it, or my mom's. We talked for awhile, pausing at every answer I give to his questions, his voice seems welcoming, but all I wanted to do now was to put that phone down & go back to my room & curled like a ball on my bed. Seconds passed & my little sister entered our home, so I gave it to her. I just wanted to end the conversation, it's probably the best thing I could do, but my little brother called me up again, maybe I was involuntarily chosen as the one who have to sum it all up & put the phone down.

"I love you. Ingat kayo dyan." he fired up.

I can't say it. "Okay, bye." That's the best thing I could say to him. He still blurted out some words & he said it again & again. He supposedly waited for me to say it. Afraid of what my mother would react, I just whispered it to him with impeccable speed, & then we ended it.

I can feel her. She was upset, although in my defense, I really cannot make a scene that would involve shouting at someone, no matter how much pain a person can give. She was expecting me to compose all my anger & blurt it out to him, but I haven't had the courage or the strength to do it. I had compassion, but it clearly endangers everything that goes with it.

Even though I really wanted to make everything perfect this Christmas, & how much I wanted to pretend it's good, an earlier start would become so nice if the latter moments didn't involved this happenings. Another failed attempt to feel good about Christmas, I guess. Although I'm celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, I'm just wondering why this day could be today. It was a good ‘before-Christmas-evening’, it was a good morning to celebrate it, but it didn't last until tonight. Enmity is always just around the corner, whether or not you like it, it will eventually knock on your doorstep, ready to expose another tribulation that may ruin everything.