Not For Your Eyes

For the past few weeks I've been in a constant frenzy of blaming everything to myself. Well... I do believe it wasn't all my fault, but all the tribulation that remained hanging beneath myself, waiting to go down on me, fell down altogether at last.

Devastation maybe the most superlative word I've ever encountered; there was sadness, there was emptiness, but there was devastation. Unfortunately for me, it's more than just that word. If in case there may be some instances where your world stop revolving, alas! My world just self-destruct. The worst part is, I can't blame anyone when clearly, someone has to be blame. The only thing that is wrong to me is that I do not put the mistakes they did on them, because this is what fate wanted me to suffer. This is God's will. Imagine the Titanic, how vastly huge this boat is, surrendered to the ocean, what more if it was just me- I'm sinking rock-bottom.

I've been down before, but never this under. I've risen like a phoenix before, I just don't know if I can do this now. I've surpassed all the mayhems before, I just don't know if I can surpass this without these huge & difficult consequences. I've been negative & positive, but never in my life have I been so sure if this thing shall pass, because it will literally take months for me to fix it. I was chosen to win before, now I'm more than just losing.

I gained friends, love, pride & money, & I'm afraid that I'd be losing more now. I have opened the door & opened the lights, but all I see now was darkness. I've triumphed over failure, now it's coming back with great strength, & I'm not sure if I could face it. No matter how I try to be positive, I always end up being the opposite.

You might think I'm over acting, but I'm not. I don't over react to something that seriously hurt me. You might think I could have help, but I can't. You might think I need help, I do... I really do- they abandoned me. I thought this year would be different, I'm surprised it's the same again.

Mayhems in March, I'm serious when I say this is an understatement. Somehow, I'm still not regaining my strength.  I'm not sure I will.