Episode 3-19-09- Quit

"Yuan... don't!" there was a boy shouting.

He can't stop me from doing what I'm about to do. For two years I've tried to be on the right track, it took two days for me to realize I was on the wrong train. I was going to the wrong direction. I was dumbfounded to realize it was a mistake from the start to the end.

"We can resolve this... we can surpass this..." he cannot convince me with lies.

Why could he be afraid? It's not the end of the world if I quit... if I leave everything behind... if I can't start over again. It's not the end of the world, but it's the end for me. Why can't he face what I'm facing now? He's courageous unlike me. He's stronger. He's better. He's wiser. But why is he afraid at me? He's afraid to me who's afraid at him; who's weak, worst, & stupid. Why is he afraid?

"I can help you. You're not alone." He's still lying.

How in the world can he do it? I myself can't do it even with people who were there to help me, who were there to save me, who were there to pick me up though I refused, who gave up on me without me blaming them, who were there before & gone now, who lost to me (or the other way around), who were there to just pity me. How in the world can he do it alone?

"Don't you dare jump, Yuan McFallon." I grinned. He dared fate... who's winning.

I'm not jumping off this cliff. I'm not jumping to end my life. I'm not jumping because I can't handle these problems anymore. I'm not jumping because I don't know how. I'm not jumping because I lost. I'm not jumping off this cliff because I can't cope anymore... wait... I am jumping.

His voice echoed with grief & pity. "Please don't Yuan." he begged me.

I begged faith. Faith begged plan. Plan begged the place. The place begged the world. The world begged fate. Fate disagreed, so as the world, the place, the plan, the faith & I. I'm in the edge of the cliff now, waiting for the wind to do its part.

"Don't do it Yuan... please." He's coming to me now... wait. No, he was beside me all this time, wait, he was behind me, ready to prevent me from falling, no... he was infront of me, raising his hands wide to block me from doing what I had to do... no, wait... no, I'm sure now, he was exactly on the right place where I'm standing now... wait... what?

All this time it was me who's convincing myself from not jumping off the cliff, from ending my world, my life. As I've said, I'm stupid, people gave up on me, I'm alone... literally alone. He was on the right place where I'm standing now, there was a boy shouting... where? It was me all along. It was me who wants to jump & me who wants to save myself. It was me who's devastatedly discouraged, & me who was my past- optimistic, strong, better, wise, unafraid, afraid although still alone.

My heart is beating fast. There were tears rolling down on my cheeks. I looked down to where I'm ending everything & starting a jinxed legacy. I've felt the emptiness. I'm getting weak. Somewhere a wolf cried. "You're not alone... I promise you that."

The wind blew me off gently. I can't continue this any longer. I QUIT!

I've started to walk, weeping. I'm going back to the campsite.