I'm Perfect & Imperfect

Ever since... I actually don't remember, but what I'm trying to say is that I have this thing where I want everything to be perfect. Well, at least that's what I wanted to be.


At an early age, I likely developed my stage of industry by doing my chores whenever I feel like it. What's weird was I tend to overdo cleaning, & in the end I just pat myself on the back while I take a shower. When it comes to art, I make sure that the lines are perfect when I draw or color, well, who doesn't anyway? When I entered 4th grade, I think that's when I started to carry an alcohol sanitizer or disinfectant. I also tend to transfer my notes from my 'scratch notebook' & into my original notebook... blah blah blah, obsessive compulsive, antisocial, schizophrenia, word salad! Whatever! My point is that I rather make myself squeaky clean than worry about getting any flu virus or any kinds of diseases.


Today, I still do overdo cleaning.. but it's more likely evident when it comes to organizing & arranging stuff. I still make my drawings or even my writing (as you can see in my blog) perfect enough for everyone to appreciate. There was an instance that I even carried three disinfectant- an alcohol & a sanitizer for my hands & a toilet disinfectant for emergency purposes. I kinda carry two or more 'scratch' notebooks & I couldn't make myself stop writing all the things that are being written or being shown on the board.

So I had my 'perfectionistic' side... & today I kinda screwed it up.

I don't know but being able to convince myself that I'm perfect (or kinda) is really a big problem of mine. I even cross the line sometimes... & that's not even healthy. Being a perfectionist requires more pretentious activities that sometimes go beyond than what I've expected. I also pretended to be histrionic, a goody too shoes, a brainiac & things that I couldn't even describe due to my crazy antics.


Today, however, I became vulnerable; I acknowledged the things that needed to be there; I looked at the mirror for the longest time with a flashlight hitting my face; I cried my eyes out, thinking it was something I had to do in private but it's better if I let the people know it; I emptied my mind & focused on the ceiling for a couple of minutes; I accepted my lack of knowledge, wisdom & skills; I accepted my holistic self; I discarded the fact that I'm perfect... & decided that's it's so much better to be the opposite.

Shaping in, shipping out, Aldrinne- The imperfect but better version :)