Growing Back- A Contemplation

I used to think that life is a series of complicated pathways built to shape up someone's character. Honestly, it is true- I've been to a network of perplexed patterns of incidence where I have to decide one out of a million choices, or follow what my instincts are telling me, or simply enclosed myself from making decisions.

Problems are bound to regress until it dissolves in someone's life. I kinda learned from experience that these actually go away in a second up until (let's say) a year. It causes stress & anxiety that can lead to depression, but sooner or later you got to pick those challenges up & resolve it once & for good.

This year, I've been having epiphanies about seeing myself as a failure. I know it's so negative & just plain evil, that's why I suppressed it. Though sometimes it may reappear, I'm always successful enough to kill those thought. It's different now, cause I never thought my problems would go beyond what I've expected that they even involve my pride, reputation & dignity that I protect so much.

They say you learn from your mistakes, but I feel like being wiped out by the whole world cause everytime I do something with intentions of being able to help & do good, I always end up disappointing everybody that I love & some people I don't even know. Some of my problems even turned more than a year already... beyond the limit that I've expected.

Going back, it's seems like all the bad stuff that I've done this year overpowered my quenching good deeds & lessons I've learned from all of them.

There was this infamous video that reflected my bad morality & even dragged a whole entire school down from pulling up that stunt; there was this legal business I started that flourished a love for money & frivolous power that turned me into a monster; there were more than a hundred people that suffered from my lack of competence, some of which were even my friends (Mitch, Mafe, Mark, April, Ryan, Karren, Marisse, Yat, Cathy, Mhae, Chellang, Celine, Eric, etc.) & almost all of them were good enough to respect me as a person again (even though they shouldn't); There was a point that I've almost ruined my mom's trust & respect towards me while she became my backbone again- She made sure I wasn't able to throw away everything I've built over the years.

So when I think about all the things I've done & all the people I haven't valued this year, it's as if I'm less than a six years old. I realized, then, that life is almost simple enough for me to shape up, but I actually am the one who's complicating it. Instead of going forward, I turn back; instead of making life less a little difficult, I make it even worst; instead of growing up, I regress; instead of doing what is right, I do the opposite.

I changed myself, accepted all my imperfections, got myself a low profile, faced the music, shook away my fears & moved on. Now, I'm going back to where I started from. The goal was to cross the finish line even though it's too late, but I couldn't pass through it.

I vaguely remember all the memories of my childhood, but it's clear to me that I need to be that child again... that's the only solution I guess- if I couldn't grow up, then maybe I need to grow down. Even when I say this post is only to review my life this year, I can't make myself not to negate them even when I made a lot of things that I think are good. However... at least I'm learning now.

Acknowledging my strengths & weaknesses, Aldrinne