Paternal Decisions

Three or four months ago I emailed my dad telling him all sorts of things that he needed to hear even just for once. It's not exactly the type of email people usually sent to their loved ones- more likely the type of a threatening email.

Yes, I cursed him. For the first time in my life, I cursed my father through email.

I know it's bad & it's purely evil, insensitive & selfish in my part. Believe me, I myself am guilty of pulling off a stunt like that. He's still my biological father who somehow gave me life, was there in my childhood years, & sacrificed his youth just to be an early father. No matter how I put it, I'm still his son, & I understand that I have no right to curse my parents even when they're wrong.

When I think about it, it's like I haven't gone to elementary or even nursery & prep because of the things I told him. I learned respect a long time ago & I should've been applying it as well.

However, sometimes there are instances where you blow up & have to find somebody or something to lease it to. True, displacement is an immature form of defense mechanism, but people tend to find the fastest way to show their emotions, & that night, when I saw my mom being tortured with grief (not because of their relationship, but because of how she's having a difficult time managing us three kids alone), I felt hatred & angst towards my father, & the nearest thing I could possibly use for my father to know that I'm angry at him was in front of me- my laptop.

I've constantly emailed my dad, begging him to help my mom out through financial support. It's pretty stupid of me to wait for his replies cause I'm not getting any of them, even for one bit last year. Maybe my father couldn't have the guts to make a reply since he already had two kids to take care for. I figured he's not getting my emails until the recent incident, but I haven't given up on our last form of communication.

It must've been difficult for my father to make a reply & explain how he's having a hard time to support us financially, but in my opinion, it's better to let your kids know how you have been doing & apologize cause you couldn't constantly support them than ignore their emails. I mean, what's the point of ignoring your kids when they know you left them for another family? He's got nothing to lose, actually, cause I'm pretty much used to him making decisions that only benefits him & not his 'original' family.

I told my mom about how my father told my grandma about my hate email, & she honestly couldn't blame me at all. I told her I should stop judging him, but she explained to me that I'm not being judgmental... I'm just being honest- there's a difference. Being judgmental is more like defining a person you don't really know, but when you really know him anyway, even when you already gave him many chances or a lot of benefit of the doubt, that's not being judgmental at all.

It's kinda too late to give my father a piece of my advice, but I'll say it anyway...

There are many different kinds of decisions in life

Some are big & some are small

Some affects you, some affects all

Decisions are like promises- not to be broken

They're not like computers- with an undo button

Before you make a decision, never neglect

Those who'll be affected & its effect

-Allan Aldrinne Leyva