Past Fasting

If you've been keeping track of Lefty's Journal since 2007, you can actually see my not so famous (& my infamous) journey through the use of my own context. Just like everyone else, there will always be bumpy pavements along the way. Until we reach a certain point where we need to give up to rise up.

Just like my recent post days ago, there are certain people that you have to momentarily forget when you move forward & start anew. Those people were not completely the good guys in your story; they can be the villains who betrayed you, or your victims who fought back at you. In order to rise up, that would be basically one of the things you have to do.

So as I was saying, the journey I've been travelling now has never been better. Seriously. I can't say that I'm not having problems in some aspects of my life, but they're not that big of a deal like before. It was a learning experience for me- having to ride that roller coaster life. But I'm 100% sure I'm not riding that anymore. Rather than earn money & respect from people, I even lost everything I've ever built for myself. & now I really am appreciating being incognito from almost everyone I know in the past.

I'm happy with the trail that I chose. It wasn't easy to enter this 'life lane' but I worked hard for it. & when you're just about to close the gates of your past, this person shove into my serene life & tried to get what I didn't take in the first place.

I can accept anger with a reasonable defense from anyone. But I fight back to those who are being judgmental. & one of the things this person said to me that really flared me up is that I am a 'scammer'. Wow! I know a lot of scammers (per se, my *eherm*) who takes your money & run away with it, but never did I become a scammer. I don't need to explain the things that I already laid out to her, but all I can say is that the money she used to make a 'reservation' to that company, went to (you know it!) my controlling used-to-be upline whom I trusted so much before.

& sometimes scammers use fake names to people they've just met. & she was even my schoolmate in high school, plus I wasn't even the one who convinced her in the first place. & I do blame myself for bringing her there, for giving the money to my upline so I couldn't spend it, & for telling her the lies my upline is telling me. I was in a very complicated pedestal, but I still received that jabs she gave me that weren't mine to take in the first place.

Although I want to tell her the person who took her money, I'm just gonna be responsible & do the right thing, since I'm trying to become someone who blames himself no matter how minute his contribution to a mistake is. I don't want to make excuses anymore, & there's no point in hiding either (Just a quick search for my blog or social networking profile will immediately narrate all the details about me). I think I just pointed out the villain, the victim who actually turned into a villain, & me who was once her villain who became both his & her victim in the end. Boy do I always like to play the underdog...

Anyhow, I apologize for exceeding to my usual length blog post. I just miss being around you guys whom I can tell my explanations & complaints to. & I'm really thankful for the 'nangs' some co-bloggers of mine have given me this week. I just found out my 209th song, For Your Entertainment, was one of the featured popular posts in the last 24 hours in Nuffnang Innit! Not only that, it's also one of the posts that topped today in imcurtain.com. Despite of my current trifle, I really am appreciating all your comments, nangs & the time you guys have given me to check out my blog. I love you guys! :D

Fasting from the unimportant past, Aldrinne :D

209th Song- For Your Entertainment

Just to be clear to everyone, I've written this song just before I found out that its title was similar to Adam Lambert's single. But in his song, he actually talks about performing & partying stuff. Unlike mine, which is completely about being used, abused, or whatever drama the song has in store. But I really like the way it's sung, so you guys enjoy my 209th song! :)

For Your Entertainment

Allan Aldrinne Leyva

  

Broken hearted stay away

I don’t want to see you today

I’m tired of crying every night

I’m feeling alright

  

Can I ask ‘what did I do?’

We’re falling hard, that’s what I knew

Does this mean your love ain’t true?

Now I’m feeling blue

  

(Chorus)

This is what I get for giving everything

This is what I’m left

From risking it all

I played my part

Exposed my heart

Experimented

I fall apart

This is what I get

For your entertainment

  

Can you stop me from crying hard

Darkness ain’t helping so much

All I need is your voice tonight

Explaining to me

    

Would you please try to explain?

How you made me feel insane

I tried to bring the best of me

Contented, you’re not

(Repeat Chorus)

   

(Instrumental)

(Repeat Chorus)

You took me in

Played with my feelings

Made me your sin

Destroyed everything

Forgot myself

& took care of you

& all I’m asking

Is your love too

For your entertainment

Sharpening My Sharing Skills

Hey everyone! Just wanted to serve you guys a platter full of updates & songs. I've been meaning to share the things that are happening in my world like what I'm doing before. But ever since I went on that internet dilemma, I think my sharing skills weren't sharpened enough anymore.. so... blame the hiatus!

Well, I actually needed that time off though. The last weeks of college before graduation was really tough, & I actually have to make time just to pass all my requirements before the deadline. 
  
I even remember going to my former school, Global City Innovative College, just to get my transcript of records. I went to my school to finally pass it (even if it's way over the deadline), just to find out I got a failing mark in my NCM 102, which I passed by the way. Again, I went over to G.C.I.C to fix it, waited for hours, then headed back to my school to pass my transcript before they close. What a crazy day it was! But then again, at least I finished them all... & even got my diploma. *Winks*
 

Anyways, I really want to reopen up something that is still very new to me- the capital E! That's right, employment. Being a fresh face in the working world without any experiences at all can have results which are stupendously predictable. Imagine passing a two-paged resume without anything there on that recent employment tab... now that sucks. Even when you know that you did great (or tried your very best) on your interview.
 
I mean, I'm not saying I'm competent enough to handle a job, but I just finished college & I think by now I already learned how to handle a difficult & risky problem. They say 'it's a different life out there!', but for me, I think it's just almost the same. Well, I don't know with you guys but I'm pretty sure I'm missing college & will be missing it more when do I get a real job.
 

Since we're talking about jobs now, I just wanted to express my deepest appreciation to all the vendors out there- those who sell from candies to condos, in small stalls or in huge stores, & anywhere in this world (That's actually a nice pun! Ha!). Ever since I experienced being a vendor in my aunt's yogurt station (which is, for me, can be the healthiest stall in this world lol) just to help her out (& to eat yummy free food lol), I was surprised just how tough it is to be flexible & to be really really patient to your costumers. Not to mention the smile I had to wear for an entire day. & I'm not really the type of person who greets everyone & explains everything to their questions, but I still did it for the sake of selling... & for my loving aunt.
 
Well, I really am enjoying helping out at her business. But I just wanted to say I'm inspired by those vendors who are waking up early in the morning everyday just to prepare, spending all day in their stalls or stores, doing the best they can just to have costumers, & still have the time for themselves &/or for their families. I salute you guys! *Smiles*
   
Anyways, I'm still waiting on that phone call about that company's test & that final interview. You know, I really wish they could've just told me straight to my face that I don't have what it takes to get that job in the first place, so I won't be really bothered waiting on their crappy news. lol. But I guess that's employment (negating much?! lol), & that's... life. God bless & take care everyone! Happy start of the week! :)

You know, about the sharpening the whole sharing skills thing... I think I just did, Aldrinne :D

208th Song- Changed All The Rules

Changed All The Rules

Allan Aldrinne Leyva

   

It’s pretty stupid cause I’m still waiting for

A perfect love song

A chance that will somehow make you

Fall in love again

   

But then again it’s time to wake myself up

Accept all the truth

There’s no one around to see me

& tell I was crying for you

  

& if you would feel this too

You’d know how I can’t lose you

You’re promised to come around

I should’ve controlled my heart

But then you changed all the rules

   

It’s pretty funny cause I made myself fall

& put up a wall

I thought our love is what you wanted all along

But then again I should remind myself

That you’re not so sure

If I could just read your mind

I’d bid you goodbye after all

  

But then again if you’d feel this too

This love I have inside I can’t undo

Crying all the time won’t change your mind

I think it’s time for me to fake a smile

Since you changed all the rules

  

It’s impossible, it’s unpredictable

The happy ending ended here

It’s supposed to make us grow

But why do you have to go?

Your love isn’t what I had fought

  

But then again if you’d feel this too

I decided to commit to you

You always say to me that I have changed

You walk away by a sudden rage

I still believe you’d fall again

Still believe I’m more than just a friend

Since you changed all the rules

207th Song- Loving & Everything (15th Album Title)

Loving & Everything

Allan Aldrinne Leyva

  

(Chorus)

Why these tears are coming out? (Repeat 4X)

   

It’s not your fault entirely

Apology ain’t necessary

But just this once I like to hear

Losing me’s one of your fears

  

Love is all I need to feel

Without a hindrance that appears

& it just grows when good come near

But you blame me when it isn’t here

(Repeat Chorus)

   

Ignoring won’t change what I feel

You’re the only one who’s real

Your lies are tempting you to leave me

Will freeing you will make you free?

(Repeat Chorus 2X)

   

Will bad things make you doubt

Your attempts won’t break me now

Don’t make your love fade away

I am begging you to stay

  

(Instrumental)

(Repeat Chorus)

  

I surrender everything

Even my life & all my dreams

Your entity makes my heart beat

Why are you doing this to me?

Why are you doing this to me?

   

Why these tears are coming out?

Don’t just turn a different route

Come take my hand & take my being

Loving you is my everything

206th Song- Better

 Better 

Allan Aldrinne Leyva

   

(Chorus)

If I have stopped controlling you heart

Would it be? Could it be better?

If I pretend to be happy then

Would you be? Could you be better?

    

I’ve always believed you’d be happy

If I could just stop to be selfish

I know you would dream of a better life

Than dream of a life with just me

   

& it hurts that you can’t be someone

Someone who’d become without me

& it hurts that you don’t deserved

To be love by someone who’s below your goals

(Repeat Chorus)

   

I’ve always believe you’d become

Someone who’s success come from me

But then I would realized

That I’ll be the one who denies

  

& it hurts that I can’t be someone

Someone who would bring you the luck

I’m stuck in this averaged place

Where I am pulling you down, down, down

(Repeat Chorus)

  

& you sacrificed everything

Just to love me true

My love can’t compete with ‘ifs’

My love don’t compete with your ‘ifs’

(Instrumental)

(Repeat Chorus 2X)

  

I know I can’t give you the world

But I promise to give you this heart of mine

205th Song- Thrice the Pain

Thrice the Pain

Allan Aldrinne Leyva

    

I never need some deepest lines

To say what’s going on your mind

But always think of this

Your pain, I can’t resist

   

So I’m working hard to bring you joy

I made you happy like a toy

But what can I do now,

If the cause of your pain is me?

     

(Chorus)

I never intended for myself to break your heart again

Cause everytime you dip into your pain

It always hurts me then

& I couldn’t even smile

Couldn’t ever try to give you strength or hand

If I hurt you

Remember, I’m always hit by thrice the pain again

   

It’s been three months when we became

One in front of everyone

I know that I could bring

The rain amidst the sun

  

I wish you’d say

At least we’re ‘kay

I don’t want our love to dive

Six feet on the ground

All because of me

(Repeat Chorus)

    

Everytime you cry

I’m always saying that I wished I’d die

Everytime you cry

I’m always saying I wished I’d tried

To stay away from you

Just to see you happy again

But I’m a selfish man

You’d probably knew it then

(Repeat Chorus 2x)

Moment Memos

I've always thought that life is a slow process. Well, in the mundane parts of my life, it maybe is. But million moments & miracles do not show up in life all the time. They happen spontaneously, leaving a mark in my memory. & those moments were the days that I really live, giving me the conclusion that life is on its fast-paced lane.
  

& there are moments where I never really cared about anything. Moments where I slept the whole day. A moment where I got drunk for the first (& last) time with my friends & had my worst hangover in the morning. Moments where I slipped, fell, & stood up, only to find myself slipping again. Moments where I ventured in every direction without any particular destination. Moments where I cry with or without any reason. Moments where I caught myself doing good & bad things. Moments of my worst experiences. Moments where I made bad decisions of my life.
  
Those moments were rather a mess when I compare it with my glory days. They can be those moments which you can just forget just to pave way for the more important things. Sometimes they can bring you humor. But when I think about them, they were the moments that gave me the ability to differentiate true happiness from, just happiness.
   

Sure I had my moments where I never really cared about anything. Cause I was either dancing the night away, or dreaming good dreams in my sleep.
   
I had my moments where I slept the whole day. It's cause I was awake the whole night, spending time with my real families & friends. 
   
I had my moment where I got drunk with my friends & had my worst hangover in the morning. But I still felt really happy.
   
Moments of my downfall. & for that I regained my self-respect & able to stand up on my own, willing to do it again for the sake of learning.
   
Moments where I got nowhere else to go. & for that I inculcated my true directions in life... & beyond life.
   
I had my moments of crying. But after those sessions, I felt stronger.
   
Yes, I had my moments of pointing out my good & bad things. For that I built better qualities for my personality.
   
Moments of my bad experiences. They allowed me to distinguish what the good experiences are. 
   
Moments where I made some bad decisions of my life. & for that I learned how to decide, think before I make a decision, & evaluate their results.
   
It's actually your own point of view; life can either be fast or slow for you, & can either be good or bad. But one thing's for sure. Some moments, even when they aren't that any good, are still worth the pain.
   

Making a million memories, Aldrinne :_)

I Inspire Me

Bad things happen for a reason- to grow & learn from them. This is basically the best way for people to swerve back to their destined lane.

We always wanted to be in a good place, that's for sure. But to be in that good place, sometimes we have to lose or sacrifice some other things that we value. At times those lessons are not really that worth it. But you'll never know how much it'll help you someday.

You start to hate yourself more than the person who wronged you. Having constant thoughts about believing him/her in the first place, or about the things that you've probably might have done for this person to pull a stunt like that to you. You blame yourself for choosing the wrong decisions in life. & even when you fake a smile, at the end of the day, it's not just enough to remove that stain.

In the midst of your fall, you consult the people that might help you to regain your stance. They are the ones who have been truthful to you, gaining distance to the people who throws bad stuff at you. Those people will help you stand up... but I bet they're still not gonna make you get up.

Because, even when they try to help you, you'll never gonna be able to move forward... unless you help yourself to move. Cause even when people might tell you the things that you needed to do to become better, there's no other person whom you can cling to but yourself. Cause even when there's a lot of people who you can call your hero, there will always be you whom you can call your own. Don't be afraid to fail because only through failure do you learn to succeed.

I am my own hero. I am my own rock. I am my own best friend. I INSPIRE ME. Aldrinne :D

Past... Tense

When you move forward, there are a lot of things & people you get to leave behind. Not that it's not your fault nor you just don't like these people. It's just that moving on, no matter how slow or fast its pace is, is a transition where everything, whether important or mundane, must be restarted.
  
Sooner or later, you find yourself in a different environment. Doing the things you're not doing before. Having new sets of friends whom you fit into. Basically living the life in a new perspective. Until you reached the point where the old life was just a thing of the past.
  
Sometimes this new life of yours go back to the way it was back then, but all the time it gets to change a bit. & at the end of the way, you get to remember those people & things that were, before, the ones that revolve in your world.
  
& then at some random day, they show up again. & whether or not it feels good, one thing's for sure- you can never escape the past.
  

It is a small world after all, Aldrinne :D