122nd Song- Push Myself to You

There was a point in our lives that we asked ourselves why do we have to keep pushing ourselves into people who never like us for who we are. I know that feeling...

Push Myself to You

Allan Aldrinne Leyva

  

We all had

Twenty minutes then it’s gonna be late

We could’ve solved this problem but you ran away

I’ve been fighting just to prove that we have

Love that compelled all the hate we had

 

Somebody made me think this way

It’s your fault that you made me wait

Just put yourself into my shoes

You would see that I am apt for you

  

(Chorus)

Why do I have to push myself to you?

Why do I have to push myself to you?

You got me wrong

I’m not that strong to push myself to you

We all had

A vindication that I kept for today

A little figure that can make you say

You’ve seen the light & all the entities

That can truly better end a scene

Somebody let me say again

It’s your fault that you have amends

I’ve put myself into your shoes

You’re right, I better end this to ruin

(Repeat Chorus)

(Choir)

Why do I have to push myself to you?

Why do I have to push myself to you?

(Repeat Chorus)

We all had

Twenty minutes & it’s gonna be late

For a love that will result to hate

Constant Blasphemy

Ever since I was born, I already made some of my best & worst qualities that guide me in living a good, somewhat normal life. One of the best things I could ever do is blend in to different people- not that I’m a pretender, I just noticed that I can relate to people with varying characters. 

Although I’m certain about me having good qualities, I also have these sets of… you can say ‘talents’ that I am not quite good at. One of these was defense.

Trust in Rust

The continuing aversion against me stealing something valuable is getting stronger. I have no idea what to do or how to look for it, because I’m not the culprit- simple as that. I just can’t go into circles defending myself, not because I’m also not that good of it, but because I’m not gonna continue wasting my time telling her I’m not the one who stole it over & over again. It’s pretty damn tiring, annoying, & depressing that all I have to do is look at her saying I didn’t do it without any strong alibis. If I did steal it, I would have the heart to tell in front of this person’s face that I did it. You don’t know how much I’m hurting from all this pin pointing, am I that horrible to take something precious away from someone I really care for?

I apologize for all the things I’ve done wrong in my entire life, but to this I will never say sorry nor beg for forgiveness because I’m not the one who’ve done it. All I could ever say was that, period. I don’t want to push myself into thinking maybe I did steal it because of the building blame that is getting worst already. 

I’m not that good at defense, but I’m certain I’m much terrible at stealing. Just keep blaming me so in the end of all this, when the culprit emerged from somewhere to give her precious thing & guilt back, I would never even say a  word like ‘I told you so’. I’ll just keep being silent, torturing your guilty mind. I now forgive you for blaming me for it; I know the feeling of losing something too. However, I would really have a hard time forgiving you for not trusting me even though I’m the only person you should bestow your reliance with. I could comfort you in times like this but you chose to let me be the suspect, & for that, I already have the intuition that I have failed you, not the other way around.

Chew on that.

Lost Not Found

I was always the one who have to undergo the bruises & the stabs before something turns out. Although there's this guilty feeling that I should've been acting good in times of losing something important in our lives, I'm just emotionally hurt that there are ones who can't control themselves & point my finger at me even though I never had any history in stealing.

Maybe it's natural for people to find someone to release their anger with, however, is it ethical to just let me be the culprit everytime? I know I have these certain bullets to defend myself from these allegations, but I value respect so much that I cannot even get a rebound from all of the aversion & misconception.

& even if I had that thing... I should've given it now!

It just hurts in my part that I will always be the recipient of other people's tribulation. I experienced losing something... a lot, so I know the feeling. However, I can't just point a finger at someone & call him names or something like that. It's just so wrong.

I have a lot of things to do tonight & I guess I will never get it right...

On Vacation

I guess it's time again for me to get some break... from business.

Yes! It's true, although a couple of weeks ago I said that I was gonna make a balance between my studies & business, I seriously just couldn't do it. Both parties take some time & I just have to narrow it down into one. It's sort of a vacation from where I work, & I guess my business is still gonna grow even when I'm not around.

I still chose studies first because, truthfully, I really miss being a know-it-all. It may seem that low or kinda ugly, but this is the Allan I was once being referred to; I'm one of the students who passed the exams, or one of the students who become of the highest, or one of the students who can make a promising mark for his grade, or even one who listens attentively on his teacher.

I surely miss the special mention of your name as the highest awhile ago when my professor told me I got the highest grade from the exam that we took. I'm not being boastful but I really really miss the crave for recognition.

Ever since I started the business my life took a better turn. I just can't believe until now that a few people admired me by doing this business. To tell you the truth, I wasn't even getting tired doing this shenanigans- all those talking & earning- I was really happy when I'm always there. I had an intuition that I finally found a second family & the best of friends I got there were now part of my circle of trust. I still remember my birthday (because it was seven days ago) that all the friends/business partners of mine greeted me thru SMS altogether when the clock hit twelve o'clock. I actually didn't had any sleep that night.

I'm really thankful for finding UNO.

God bless & take care everyone! Still had to make an html for my website for my CPU project. Have a Thankful Tuesday today. :)

Signing off, A

Bipolar Disorder

I got tensed when I opened an issue of H&L (Health & Lifestyle) while waiting for my brother to unhook the DSL cord from the computer so I could use it in my laptop. The title says 'Suicide risk greater in people with bipolar disorder' by Rodney DP Dalisay, MD, FPPA. I was a little alarmed from the title, maybe because I had had suicidal thoughts before when I was incoherent & so depressed- I actually stated having it here in my blog.

Bipolar disorder was previously called manic-depressive disorder because the condition is characterized by high (manic) & low (depressed) episodes. However, it is not a single disorder. It is defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood referred to as mania. The patient may also experience bouts of depression.

I was a little worried when I came across that paragraph. It occurred to me that maybe I am having this disorder. I know I may seem happy (because I am), but some years ago I kinda experienced depression in the lowest days of my life. I wasn't very proud of it but I know I became emotional when I was in high school... I just didn't show it that often.

Maybe I have the disorder... maybe I don't. Bipolar has no single cause. Many factors act together to produce the illness, such as genetics, environmental factors, as well as psychological & social factors. In my case, I know that I had lived a good high school & college life, but of course, there are certain circumstances when everything just got so wrong- I don't know, but maybe I was always looking for the bad things that happened to me rather than the good things. Although now, my life is in flux with happiness, but I was hoping that this disorder will not give me enough reasons to think there was something wrong with me.

Special thanks to all the readers out there. You can drop your name in the Mark My Mouth Section of this blog so I could know the names who visited in Lefty's & in Allanned! God bless & have a sunny Sunday. ;)

Signing off, Hey! A!

Eclipse to Breaking Dawn

I usually begin ignoring a book I'm reading when I get so busy with my studies, & now, with my business too, so I was really overjoyed when I finished the remaining half of Stephanie Meyer's Eclipse, which is the third book of the popularly known Twilight Saga. I finished the book by a three week range.

Although I was kinda tired that night (& day), I was really determined to finish the book. It was not normal for me to finish something that long. Usually I just finish the book within a day or two if I'm really hooked up on the story.

Meyer never did missed another turn to entertain me as a reader. Even in the third book, I was still moved by how Edward & Bella love each other, even on Jacob too! Bella was in between fire & ice- although the sun (Her Jacob) stitched her broken heart from New Moon, she would rather (no doubt) choose the eclipse. That's how it got its title. :)

I think reading just became one of my primary forms of killing some precious time, next to designing pictures in the internet. I guess that's better than just lying all day at all... although I need to get back to my sleep as usual. My eyes were determined to rest now & soon I have to give up eventually.

At least I still got Breaking Dawn & (maybe) my adobe acrobat reader of Midnight Sun, which is all about what Edward was thinking. I began reading the first page & dang! the depth of his words is to die for... considering, he's already a vampire. Let's see what this is all about.

Now I'm focused on Bella's wedding, & the fate of her Mercedes! Woot woot!

Signing off, Allan Cullen... really desperate to transform! :)

Non-existent Amends

I never changed... I just added some few strong personalities.

I remembered the days when we used to play games at the arcade after classes, & just hang out anywhere all day just to kill some time. I even remembered us studying together, having a quarrel to each other, motivating each other, walking together, sleeping over at each other's houses & imagining the things we want to have.

That phase was over.

Now we just looked upon that days as if it was all a dream & will never gonna happen again. There's so much things that have changed... all but my personality- it never really transformed from a normal crazy person to a... I don't know, a still normal crazy person? I really just made a couple of personalities to let myself be a better person. I also didn't mind now the blasphemies they were throwing at me because I now know myself. I'm feeling positive & will always be positive even if stuck in a bad situation.

I surely missed the way we handled ourselves through guiding our friendship & most importantly, our unique bond which gave us a touch of quality. Although today we just glanced at each other to have some small talk in the school hallway, never forget that we already passed the best friend stage & entered brotherhood.

I never will intend to insult your thought, but as my defense, is the one who really did change was you?

Let's still take the path together... Weegy-Allan :)

The Aftermath

I kept thinking about the ramifications that swept its way towards my ever changing life. Actually, it really didn't changed... it just added a few strong points that gruffly attracted some deluded minds & judgements in the process. Seriously, they were already judging as if they know what I'm doing.

The aftermath- a wheedling enormity that comprises my uncertain mixed emotions about how the critics give their fair share to my bauble-like mind. It's actually a low duress sin that should've been ignored at the time I started to do the business.

I was bruised & took a long way to success so I'm never gonna give up now, now that everything has finally rested into place, now that I'm building my business as a strong empire not only for my dreams but for my downlines' too.

Another aftermath was how we could've been in touch with each other. It's been months since we ended our relationship & I admit that it's all my fault. It's a certain kind of friendship no one could ever find, & I broke it. Although if that person only knew the truth behind my deprecating goodbye, probably we ended up still having a good relationship, no matter how vague the future can be.

The aftermath- this is probably a matrimony of weakness & negativity. It's more than a phase, it's an event where a person would be discouraged enough to be demotivated to do something that can really help him in the future. A regression of an exultant life. Am I still gonna be affected by this?

NEVER

Signing ALLAN off

12 o'clock in the 'Mourning'

As soon as the clock hit twelve o'clock, the vague appearance of my happiness started to disembark for the mourning period to come & fill its course into an end of something precious... life.

I don't know what to say to someone's someone who passed away. You can say I'm a little around the dark & twisty corner, but I cannot decipher what to say to a person who lost someone. Let's just say that I myself am not that good in convincing nor better in assuring that everything's gonna be alright. I'm just not that kind of person.

I think there was a time I had to talk to my classmate in elementary about how she should be happy that her grandfather died. I meant to deliver that she should be focused on the celebration of life- how her grandfather lived with greatness- rather than the agony of death... I failed to deliver it well.

The reason why I had to suppress myself into not seeing someone who just had lost someone is because I'm not that good at comforting someone. I feel really bad about the fact that I'm not good into talking to people. I'm also not good in confrontation, I rather prefer living in lies than finding out the truth. My dad, for instance, is whom I can't directly tell my feelings about how much he had hurt us for leaving to start a new different (maybe much better for him) family.

That's why I didn't exactly got happy today in my birthday, because if I did had a wonderful time today, I could hurt someone in the process. Why celebrate when they are mourning?

Birthday!

20th of January 2009, 12:00AM, Tuesday

All I have to say is that this maybe the best & most happiest birthday of my entire life, other than my ninth birthday of course... but let's see if this one's gonna beat it...

There are so much people I wanted to give my appreciation to, & I seriously know that it's gonna take forever. Although of course, I wanted to officially thank my parents for bringing me into this world which I considered my home & my playground. Even if at the early stage of my life I already became susceptible in every tribulation the world had offered, at least I know, when I became older like you guys, that I lived a good teenage life.

Although death is prevalent these days, it's really not about how you passed away, but how you lived your life. So whenever you're still living the life you got, then trust me, make the most out of it. I don't ever have to say this because you chose a path where you think you can belong, but all I'm saying is that if you think it'll make you a better person by taking a different direction, then go ahead! Take some risks... & in the end, you'll be happy & contented.

Although I'm also bombarded with so much problems, let's just say I'm always focused on the blessings that God is giving me until now. Pessimism will never take you anywhere, so why care about it, right?

Anyways, again, I just wanted to thank everyone who became a part of my life for twenty whole years. From the age of 0 to 19 years old, this Allan's never gonna forget what you've done, even big or small, that changed me & hauled me on becoming a successful man of today. I love you guys!

God bless & take care everyone! Saving you a piece of cake! ;)

Signing off, Allan Aldrinne Leyva, 19 years old