Optimistic Pessimism

We have to be messed up, to step up.

I remember that line from an episode of Grey's Anatomy & it's just very meaningful to me today. It seems like blasphemy for second chances are not given immediately just like that, but I guess you just have to put your faith into it, so that at the end of the day, being lost means something.

Good morning everyone. I don't know why I woke up so early, but I guess I'll be having a long day today, hence the body clock. Maybe it's my problems that woke me up, cause a few more hours then I have to face the music again.

It's like judgment day all over again. Let's just say that I only have until tomorrow to come up with something, but it's hard, to be stuck in a pedestal where the one who promised you greatly ignores you from the one who you promised something. It's complicated, I guess, if I have to explain them.

However, true feelings are the ones who you cannot really express, not because it's hard... but because it's too plenty- all thoughts are coming into you that you can't focus on a single one. I think it's just God who's throwing stones at me or it is God's will to test me how strong my faith is. All in all, if I have to go through all these just because of my love to God, then so be it.

I'm scared, actually, because I don't know who to talk to nor to ask help, & I know God will help me but I pray that this will be over. God loves us so much that He doesn't want to give us what we cannot handle.

It's only a matter of time, that I have to face the consequences. Sooner of later all will wither & die, but I guess this will trigger myself to grow again through time. For now, I just have to close my eyes & pray.

Shaping in, shipping out, Aldrinne

161st Song- Schizophrenic Girl (Feat. Lady Gaga)

I'm really enjoying this song... gotta think of some dance moves though lol. Anyways, here's a duet with Lady Gaga herself! I simply love that girl- unique & trendy... just like me. & now I shall call myself... Manly Gaga! lol

Schizophrenic Girl

Allan Aldrinne Leyva

First you got to learn to let them go

Entering your body, you can act in my show

First you got to rate them

Strings attached, sedate them

Let ‘em learn that everything is not in their signal

Go! If you really wanna know

Can this girl put up a show?

You never needed to worry ‘bout

A lady gaga move

If it’s giving you the thrills

Baby you give me the chills

Feeling like an entertainer

(Chorus)

First you gotta love her

Then you really have to understand her

(Schizophrenic) girl, schizophrenic girl

(Repeat)

She’s a poker face kind of nasty girl

Join me in her club, maybe she would propose

In her leather or whatever, feathered clothes

This will be the age of Madonna’s girl

First you should assess them

Rage, is what she’s saying

Then in front of Ellen

She would act like inocente

Gagaga go! If she’s giving me her lips

I would tell you I got this

Sip a little alcohol

Then make an angel face for sure

Holding in & holding tight

See me as she changes you

In the lighting of her howl

I just needed time with her

(Repeat Chorus 2x)

(Techno Instrumental)

Minnie mouse ears, I collect a plenty

Gaga is her name, & she’s schizophrenic

I would never mind dating a girl like her

I can’t just pretend when she’s acting like swirl

(Repeat Chorus 3x)

First you gotta love her

But then you have to understand her

First you gotta love her

But then you have to understand her

Schizophrenic girl

Lesson on Losing

I did not see that coming. Today was totally different & unexpected, but somehow I learned from all of it.

I couldn't say it was a regular day for me, but I'll intend to deliver like it's normal anyway. I just need some time out sessions from everything right now, & it seems I'm all spaced out that past tribulation were coming back all at the same time.

I lost a friend today; she was actually one of my best friends before but the way our fate flowed destroyed all of everything we have created. I've also lost a lot of respect; I was so surreal, ambivalent & nonchalant about my world that it broke down again. I know I haven't been creating my own problems, but it seems like all those things I have done in the past were all getting back at me now.

My life hasn't been normal until I moved to a newer & safe atmosphere. Though I've been living a not-so-quiet life (or a life with a whole new views), I've still been vindicated with the consequences I did not really escape from, but I just set aside. Now, the time has come for me to harvest all that needed to be harvested. I just don't know how to find the solution.

Maybe this time I have to inculcate all my lessons. If it's not important before, then I need to set its volume to its possible highest frequency. It's time to say goodbye to those who doesn't want to stay, & time to open up a new door again. This transition phase did affect me a lot, & now I'm going back to sleep.

Shaping in, shipping out, Aldrinne

ABCD

Allanned!

If you've been attempting to view my alternative blog 'Allanned!' today, I'm gonna break the ice here- I've deleted that blog. Just kidding.

It's actually going on a major overhaul. It seems like my Blogger account haven't been receiving much attention from me & the readers. I'm not updating it like what I'm doing here in Lefty's Journal everyday. It's kinda sad knowing that it's not receiving so much uniques like that of Lefty's, but I'm happy that somehow it attracts many international visitors before.

Just to let you guys know, Allanned! will be restarting its systems to bring more 'serenity + simplicity' to all you readers out there. For now, I'll be recommending my original blog for you guys to see.

Bye Cory

"How do i find the words to say goodbye?" Kris Aquino asked her mother who was laid to rest forever, to be reunited with her late husband & finally become one with the angels above.

I was crying awhile ago. It must've been a very sad day for all of us, even though there are no classes... if Cory's death will be the reason for a holiday, then I'd rather go to school just to save her.

But she didn't say goodbye for good actually. She wanted us to know that there are no goodbyes in this world, it's more likely a 'see you later' kind of goodbye. But for now, I just wanna say- thank you & goodbye Tita Cory. You will be missed by the whole world."

Dustin/Dusel

Dustin or known as Dusel in his Twitter, is a sixteen year old boy who I was following since Gabe Bondoc recommended his account to us. He actually inspires me from day one until today. However, I really am a fan of his drawing & art.

He was actually the boy who was fighting from his very ill heart condition months ago. He didn't really deserve it though, but this is life, & I look up to him because he's not moping around like other ill people, he has always been looking on the positive side of life, that everything has a purpose.

Sometime around June or July, he received a new heart from a 24-year old man. He thanked him for it & was then operated immediately. It was a successful surgery regarding heart transplantation, but now, because of the increased pressure his body received from all the surgeries he had, he faced another challenge- a benign tumor on his brain.

It was still a risky surgery, but he faced it again. I remember it will be his 33rd surgery on his 444th day in the hospital. Now, twelve days later, he was still in the state of coma. His mom is actually the one who's doing all the tweeting, & we're actually praying for good news.

I'm really expecting some good news today. Please offer him a prayer, even just for a minute of two.

I'll be doing some paper works & studying today. I woke up so early & decided to take a nap awhile ago. I'm gonna talk to all of you later. God bless & have a nice day everyone.

Shaping in, shipping out, Aldrinne :D

Life & Death

From what I've seen awhile ago, it really made me cry seeing a beloved lady passed away & I thought to myself 'what more if she was your mother?'

Although I understand their grief, for I lost a grandfather a couple of years ago during my first year as a college student. He suffered from Diabetes Mellitus too much, & seeing him how he couldn't notice me from my uncle Glenn's house did hurt me so much, not because he couldn't recognize me, but how much he had fought until the last years of his life, that I can't seem to ease his burden.

Even though death have always been associated with the end of a person's life, it is not what we always imagined. Death isn't cruel but is actually kind, it does not show us the end but rather the beginning, it does fades from our hearts but represents the true form of life. We may be afflicted with sadness & devastation, but in the end we must still celebrate the first part of our journey. Death is actually the way we are all going through right now.

But once you see the best things in life, death becomes a worry wart. Even if not all things are permanent in this world, life still makes us experience hardships & good times so that we could strengthen our hearts to follow God. That is the most definite purpose of life in this world.

For we should not mourn for death because it is given & that we should mourn during our livable moments. But then again, we should not always mourn for life, & that we should celebrate both with death.

Happy birthday to my little sister, Aubry Ruchelle Leyva who turned eleven today. She's all grown up now & I must set her some rules when it comes to boys now lol. Time surely flies :P

God bless, take care & have a happy & good morning. Celebrate life & the afterlife at the same time.

Shaping in, shipping out, Aldrinne :D

Cory waves...

August 3, 2009. Third day after she ascended to Heaven.

Life is a meaningful gesture that arises from what we say, sing, dance, or do. It derails almost all the hatred, deception & failure so that happiness & contentment constantly flow through our hearts.

It symbolizes eternal glory, as it goes through the hardships of the broken world; It paves way for love to be real than surreal; it is the primary abstract microcellular unit that gives energy for the heart to involuntarily contract; it comprises the neurons for the brain to work & depends on God Himself.

Corazon Aquino was the life of the Philippines. From her reign, she did not speak of blasphemy nor pull an offensive activity. Until her last breath of life, she reunited not only the Filipinos, but the whole world too. Until her last breath of life, she made the sky cry & the wind chant. Until her last breath, she made sure she had lived a peaceful & courageous life for us to look upon.

As the trumpets, prayers, & sadness fade away from her soul, all she was hearing now was the chants of the angels, the sound of the gate being opened as the path goes narrower every second she steps into the dark, the sound of a calming voice so majestic even the biggest of the biggest of all the universe hides itself for His power & glory.

She is now in Heaven... with our Father... at last. Below the Heavens, as she viewed her country that brightly mourns (for she only see black & yellow), she raised her hand & waved to us, not to say goodbye... but to say "see you later." She signaled a group of roaring thunders with the bright augments of sun rays. She then closed her eyes, stood up from where she was looking, & began dancing & singing as God hugs her.

Shaping in, shipping out, Aldrinne :)

Audit Midterms

I guess I have to lived with the fact that I can't & couldn't watch Lady Gaga on the 11th of August... but I'm still crossing my fingers for the bucks & the time. Arghh! :P

Anyways, good morning everyone! I woke up at exactly twelve in the morning so I could update you guys... & guess what?! I really had an amazing day yesterday, despite the two tests we took, but the long test plus the Midterms are actually the reasons why I had a beautiful day on the first place.

I didn't really intend to pass both exams. I only planned to pass the long examination & maybe earn half of the Midterm exam to settle for an average grade. I didn't study at all, so perhaps I ended up instigating that plan.

Before I went to school though, I've read Sir Jed's Facebook status & it really made my day. Based on my understanding, it talked about how we should pray for the Lord to give us wisdom & determination, & there was even a verse to complement it (I think it was James 1:5). Although I didn't study due to S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder! lol kidding), I still carried a whole lot of faith & believed in our Father- that He can truly make something possible with a snap of His fingers.

So there we were, answering the long exam. Honestly, it was hard than what I thought it'll be. I wasn't ready for diagnostic examinations.. let alone Pharmacology!!! which is actually my weakness when it comes to all the subjects. My mom actually did a great job, getting a 62/100, since the passing score was 60. You know what, even though I'm unsure to almost all of my answers, I still got the boundary score & it really made me happy. That's because I get to spend time talking to Jesus before I started the long test, so I stopped being serious there.

During lunch, I thought about how big the percentage the Midterm examination alone has & I asked myself, what if I didn't pass Midterm because I failed the Midterm exams? I know I had a fair grade in my quizzes & in my long test, but what if I still fail? Back then I realized how much I should pass the Midterm exams too.

However, I still didn't study because of the fact that I hate cramming- it could really result to a mental block when answering a test. Because of that, I just took a little nap while waiting for the exams, really prayed hard to God to give us the knowledge we needed & hope for the better.

That was the hardest exam I really encountered throughout my life so far... next to UPCAT though. Seriously, the questions are so basic that you couldn't even find the right answer. I know that in a multiple choice kind of exam, situational questions can give you a bigger chance to get the correct  answer. On what I previously took, it was both situational & analytical.. I couldn't really explain it but it was really hard. Even GCIC can't possibly torture us that much. BUT before I took the exams & after I scanned some of the questions that made my eyes dilate for a moment (lol), I just took a little conversation with God, & told Him I'm really apt to anything He wanted me to have. Even though I wasn't ready for the battle, I took the examination.

So now I know why I'm having this scapular pain... a little part about my sleeping posture contributes to it, but now I know the main reason of why I have it- it's actually the one that signals that the test is really hard. That was a funny reason, but it's true. After UPCAT examination, I got a fever though instead of the pain... so I kinda knew my body's mechanism now when faced with a difficult exam.

To cut the story short, despite the pain I had during the exams & how drowsy I was to concentrate, I still passed the Midterm exams... with a grade of 68/100, my best so far.

I'm not expecting a grade like that though, but you know what, God really wanted me to pass as if I deserve it. God & His unconditional love to all of us really strengthen your ability to almost everything, so you can achieve your goal. Some people say 'the best way to predict the future is to create it.' But you know what, I say 'the best way to predict the future is to create it, to start praying to God, & to be humble to everything.'

Although I was kinda devastated again cause not everyone passed the examination (that made me feel really sad), I still am thankful to God so much. When I think about it, He was likely more the one who answered the exam while I was the one who fell asleep & experienced the scapular pain.

God loves us so much that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life- John 3:16

I really have to get back to sleep now. I finished packing all my stuff for my duty in Manalo Lying-in in the city of shoes so add me to your prayers that I could wake up early & still inculcate everything what an OB nurse can do. It's been a long time since I was assigned to a DR again. Condolence to the family Aquino but I'm actually happy that Tita Cory did live a good... a great life. She will be missed by the whole world. Hope you had a great & fruitful day too. God bless, take care, & have a productive week guys!

Shaping in, shipping out, Aldrinne :D

160th Song- All Of You

This song really suits how strong Madame Cory's bond with our God. This is actually my first official gospel song that I have written two weeks & three days before she passed away. Funny thing is, I think this song was perfectly scheduled to be posted during this National Mourning Period for our late president. Anyways, I really am thankful that I've finally found the serenity & strength to write something for our Lord. :)

All Of You

Allan Aldrinne Leyva

Today, I confess my sins

I’ve been lying, & stealing, & hating

I could not believe myself

Lead me Lord to you

Let me praise you Lord

In this simple song

(Chorus)

Clear my path

Wash my soul

Mold me into something more

Who will know what’s right or wrong

& maybe you could be my all

Today, I’ve been spreading my wings

If the Heaven is pulling me up in the sky

I would give up for you

Lead me Lord to you

Bless those who have shared

What His love’s is all about?

(Repeat Chorus)

& if I try to see you’re face

I would kneel with sudden grace

& thus your love’s limitless

I could drown saying your name

If the end is still obscure

You gave me strength to carry on

(Repeat Chorus 2x)

If the verge is coming near

You would always let me fear

So I could face a better day

Stepping on the path you’ve made

All of you, my God

(Repeat Chorus)

My Savior, my Emmanuel

My everything, my king who will stop me from what I’m doing

My Alpha, Omega

Lord, you are my everything

The Real Wonder Woman

She was ultimately the symbol for democracy, justice, hope, power, the nation, the people & freedom. The first filipino female president, has found sanctuary today, August 1, 2009 at 3:18 in the morning. *Wipes tears

I may not have witnessed how she fought for our freedom years ago, but I still see her as a vision of the Philippine's refined legislature to make our nation a better one, a greater one. For she stood not to empower us, but to serve us.

I may not have remembered the years she was encrypted with sorrows from her husband's death, & how her world must've given up already, but I still see her as the woman who stood up amidst the storms, as the woman who prays, as the woman who made amends rather than anguished those who trespassed her, & as the woman who dealt not only with the problems of the people, but with her sickness as well.

She wasn't ordinary in my eyes; she's like a saint that do not judge nor do not segregate people based on the wealth they have. She admitted she's not good enough to be president. It turned out, based on the nation, she was one of the best presidents who ever lived. For she was not alleged, but was elected. As she nurtured her children, she even nurtured the Filipinos, to fight for our rights & to keep a positive outlook in life.

We may not be related by blood, but she gave birth to the rise of a serene & well-oriented government. For she did not pass away... but lives. She was the real wonder woman who represented the past, the present & the future of our people. She was Maria Corazon "Cory" Cojuangco Aquino. Thank you Cory, may you rest in peace. :)

Assertion About Appreciation

She's all grown up now, my little sister... sigh.

I really had a great day today! Despite the fact that I haven't had a long sleep because of the project & the movie I watched last night, it was a really one of the best days ever.

You know what, you can scratch those words I've stated from one of the last few posts. I ain't really sure, but I remember telling something about focusing on my studies rather than socializing. Obviously, I was wrong again!

Maybe I'm just, you know, faced with a fast-paced change that I couldn't even deal with new people. You know what, at least they still accepted this wayward kid who didn't really make a good impression on his first day.

Kinda think of it, it seems like everything is getting better.. so much better. The best reason I could think of was because I really don't deserve this turnover, albeit losing some of the people I really value, whether old or new friends. I respect their decision though- if they can't be friends with me then what else could I do?

Because I wanna be appreciative to everything now, I just want to give a huge shout out to my co-writer Isabel- she's a cool, really sweet girl who also has the talent in writing lovely music. You should hear her songs cause after I listened to her tunes, I was like speechless. I can't believe how this girl can do everything; she's one of the most brilliant people I know, she makes sure she doesn't waste her time (unlike me lol), & she's too mature for her age! & no she didn't ask me to feature her in my blog.

I'm also happy my little sister got her first mobile phone now! At least I can now communicate with my favorite girl in the whole wide world, next to my mom of course. I actually envy her... but not because of her new phone, but because she's really patient. This was like promised to her months ago & she willingly waited for this thing to happen. What a fine girl I'm raising, huh? Now she couldn't put that damn phone down now! haha

I just wish I could have my iPhone now, though I'm not really expecting. Just hoping, cause sometimes it's like I do deserve it but somehow I don't. The only confirmation I got was from my dad, who promised me that he'll finally teach me how to drive. Yes! I love you dad & I miss you!

I also want to give my loves to one of my best friend, Mark Jabalde! He's like my entertainment portal & my Inquirer when it comes to updating myself from my friends in my former school. He's also my arbiter when I was acting like a bad-ass before, so I really miss this guy, together with Lota, Bless & Ian- the people who truly appreciated & accepted my behavior. We'll have a reunion this month so don't you worry! :D

Mhae Co, Celine Leonardo, & Rachelle Ang aren't strangers too when it comes to my life right now. They actually inspire me to do good & become a better person. I also miss my best friend Karen Yap too- we chatted a few days back & I really want an 'A-Ka-Sha' bonding again!

Finally, I just wanted to give my big thanks NCM professor, Sir Jed, for helping me to haul myself spiritually. This guy's one of my the most amazing people that I have encountered. I really look up to him & he's one of the reasons that made me believe that this wake-up call was God's way of telling me to find Him again. Thank you sir! You really are God's faithful servant & I don't have to kiss up to pass his subject cause you'll end up mastering all what he teaches anyways.

SO I'm still gonna dance with my little sister from the hit Poker Face by Lady Gaga, which is my song for today! haha... I also recommend the Paradiso Girls who totally make lovely music! A shout out to my Aunt Gina too, & to my favorite 'cousins' Anton & Macky.. love you & miss you soo much! God bless & I hope you had a good day & will continue to even have more blessed days in the future!

Shaping in, shipping out, Aldrinne :D